Don't Make Me Laugh
by suzukeii
Summary: Gary just wants them to be friends. Leaf just wants him to drop off the face of the planet. Dumb bets are made; meringue pies are wasted; and Weedles will soon file a report for property vandalism. So what else is new? Leafgreenshipping.
1. (Not Such Good) Friends

"Hey, Leafy!"

My day started just like any other fanfiction involving that idiot and me. Terribly, mostly because of him. No, scratch that. Entirely because of him. I figured I'd had a decent morning: my favourite cereal, no stains of unknown origin on my clothes, and most importantly, no Gary Oak. But _no_, we just _have_ to be shipped. Where's the revolver when you need it?

"I said, 'Hey, Leafy'!" And I said nothing. I'm pretty sure that means I'm ignoring you and wallowing in an internal monologue of self-pity. I'm just going to keep walking now. Away from you.

"Where do you think you're going?" I felt someone (guess whom?) grab me roughly by the shoulders and spin me 180 degrees. Or maybe 170. It's kind of a general estimate. Then I was face to face with him. Gary mothereffing Oak. Gary I-Want-To-Punch-His-Lights-Out Oak. His Indian name is One Who Lives to Make You Wish You Did Not Breath His Air. Or maybe Dipwad. The translation's a bit shaky. Either way, I was not in the mood to put up with his garbage.

"What do you want?" I spat, almost quite literally. I was honestly ready to claw his eyes out. But that's how all of these stories go, right?

"Whoa, simmer down, Leafy. Is it that of month again?" He snickered. Okay, he'd already gone too far. But laughing at his own idiotic joke? That pushed me over the edge. I wanted to - no, _needed_ to - beat him to a bloody pulp that his own grandfather wouldn't recognise. Right now.

"What's going on _here_?" Unfortunately the assault would have to wait. I couldn't have witnesses around. My perfectly clean record would be ruined. Both Dipwad and I turned to see Red looking at us, eyebrows raised. Leave it to the man of few words to interrupt this bonding moment. I'd have to put him next on my blacklist.

"Nothing," I snapped, using Dipwad's lapse in attention to pull myself away and cross my arms over my chest. "Jerkface is just bothering me again. You _know_ how he just can't keep his hands to himself." I would have taken a moment to throw a smug smirk over at the boy in question, but I decided he wasn't worth it.

"You're absolutely right." The idiot's voice came from right next to my ear, and I felt a pair of arms snake around my waist. I could _hear_ the grin. So I did what any self-righteous girl would do in my situation.

Nothing.

I stood there and took it, not giving Dipstick the satisfaction of getting my attention. He'd already had his daily dose. Unfortunately for me, an overdose on that wouldn't kill him. In fact, it would probably do just the opposite and give him more of an opportunity to annoy the hell out of me. I wasn't about to let that happen.

I turned my head to look for Red, my only saviour here. Nope. Gone. Like a ninja. I guess suppressing rage kinds of tunes you out to everything going on around you. But, yep, definitely next on my list. I smiled as the realisation dawned on me.

"Hey, _Gare-Bear_," I said in a mockingly sweet tone as I extracted myself from his embrace. This was accompanied by gratuitous amounts of knuckle-cracking. He started backing up, his hands held up in defence. Good choice.

"Uh, Leafy? I'm, uh, sure w-we can work something out..."

Then he ran. His second good choice.

* * *

><p><strong>Ha, ha. Nervous laughter. I haven't gotten around to writing any more letters for HTYS, so I decided to come up with some filler stuff while you wait around for me to get off my bum and write in kind-of second person again. Hopefully you won't think it's the "oh, great, <em>filler<em>" kind of filler. 'Cause I tried. You know, a bit.**

**So this idea came out of nowhere. I sat down to write some Leafgreenshipping and I had no idea where this first chapter was going. Then the second one just kind of wrote itself, and thus, the plot was born. I got the title when I was bombarded with totally positive brain vibes. Righteous, man.**


	2. A Bet Is Made

Needless to say, Mr. Oak returned home that day with no less than several bruises, a bloodied nose, and a slightly deflated ego. I returned home with a sense of justice. Red had been wise enough not to show his face any more that evening.

I cooled off, but I still felt like ripping his eyes out. Well, maybe I could settle for his hair. I hated those spikes. How much gel did he put there anyway? I laughed at the thought of dumping a whole bottle of the stuff on him while he's sleeping. I'd never get the opportunity, much to my chagrin, but it was certainly an entertaining idea. I'd have to settle for something else.

The next day wasn't much better. If I could have chosen between it and taking a flaming arrow to the knee, I'd pick the arrow in a heartbeat. Then stab myself in the jugular with it.

"Hey, Leafy!"

Didn't he learn his lesson? He was more of an idiot than I had previously thought, which is saying something. Either that, or he figured he'd die soon, anyway, and wanted to get it over with. Fine by me. I'd help him out, just this once.

"I said, 'Hey, Leafy'!" And I said... Ah, you know what? I'm not going to say it again. So I kept going on my daily walking route. I didn't turn to look at him when I heard his footsteps quicken, or when he fell into pace beside me. He didn't deserve my attention. I mean, if he were someone of better merit, like a Team Rocket admin, _then_ I might acknowledge him.

"What's up?"

"The sky, Dipwad." Well, who can blame me? It slipped out.

"Ha, ha, very funny. But really, why do you keep ignoring me? You think you're too good for _the_ Gary Oak?"

"No, I know that for a _fact_." I slowed to a stop, leaning my back against a tree on the side of the dirt road, my arms crossed over my chest. They seemed to naturally go there whenever I got into conversation with Jerkwad. He stopped a few feet in front of me, his hands dug into the pockets of his trousers and his face making an uncharacteristic frown.

"So, what? You hate me or something?" His brow furrowed.

I didn't answer. Wasn't it obvious? Evidently not, because after a moment, his lips curled up into a sly smile.

"I'll take that as a no, then." He stepped closer, closing the gap between us, breaking my precious personal bubble (but, I mean, I barely had one as far as _he_ was concerned) and wrapping his arms around my waist. He leaned in and - get this - _smelled my hair_. Like one of those giant breaths that creepers do? Yeah, like that. Gives a whole new meaning to his usual goodbye, doesn't it?

I felt like shooting him, but that would be a waste of perfectly good bullets. So I did the next best thing.

Within a second, my knee was up and Imbecile was backing up with a high-pitched scream, clutching his manly bits and falling to the ground, curled up in a ball. If it weren't for my little bit of ingenuity and sadistic streak there, who knows what would have happened? I smiled. Then I grinned. Then I giggled. Then I couldn't hold it back anymore and started cackling like a crazy person on a truckload of meth.

By this time, Idiot had finished rolling around like a Sandshrew and crying for his mommy, and he was looking at me as if I had just grown a second head.

"What?" I snarled, stopping my hysterics to glare back at him on the ground. My arms automatically crossed back over my chest.

"You were _laughing_?" he asked incredulously, as if he never even thought it physically possible, like a mute suddenly belting out a show tune or Michael Bay making a cinematic masterpiece.

"Well, yeah, it was pretty funny whe-"

"You were _laughing_ because of me?"

"I wouldn't say it was because of _you_, I mean, really-"

"So," he continued, obviously ignoring my futile attempts to get the truth through his thick skull, "if I can make you laugh, then you'll like me, right?" He stood up slowly, brushing the dust off of his trousers with a slight wince. "I'll make you a proposition, Leafy." I didn't like where this was headed. "If I get you to laugh at least once every day for a full week, you'll go out with me."

"Not a chance."

"Just one date?"

"Nope."

"Come on, Leafy. What's the big deal? If you really hate me, you won't laugh and you won't have to go on the date. What have you got to lose if you're so convinced you hate me?" Hate was an understatement. Despise, loathe, detest... They were all understatements. Haspthest. But even _that_ wasn't good enough.

_What have you got to lose?_ My dignity. My sanity. He'd be hanging around me all day trying to get me to crack up over some dumb jokes. I'd rather compost myself and let some crazy lady use me as fertiliser for her berry garden. Or better yet, strip the skin off of my arms with a cheese grater and take a lemon juice bath. That would be blissful compared to this.

"Fine." Both of us were shocked when the word tumbled out of my mouth. I quickly composed myself. "But that doesn't mean I want to go out with you. I'm only doing this to prove how much I abhor you." Abhor. That was a good one. Abhaspthest.

"No, no, no, I'm fine with that." Moron raised his hands in defence but still put on a cheeky smile. "We'll consider today Day One. Now, I've got to start planning, so, see you tomorrow! Smell ya later, Leafy!"

He ran off towards home again. He was just full of good ideas, wasn't he?

* * *

><p><strong>I considered putting this entire thing as a ginormous one-shot, but then realised how many more people would see this when clicking on the Pokémon archive if I posted chapters separately. Yes, I use underhanded tactics to get attention. Bite me. Plus, let's face it: it really would be a ginormous one-shot if I put it into one chapter. I know I'd shoot myself if I had to read almost 10k words without having the delightful experience of clicking the "next chapter" button every once in a while.<strong>


	3. Wake-Up Call

"Hey, Leafy!"

Oh, Arceus. He was even making an appearance in my dreams. At least, I was pretty sure I was still dreaming. I opened my eyes for a moment to look at the alarm clock on my nightstand. 7:19. And it was a Sunday. I didn't feel like getting up, but I was already awake anyway. So I did.

I stood, stretching and yawning at a volume that can only be described as "obnoxious" or, better yet, "Gary Oak". Grabbing the change of clothes I'd set out yesterday, I started undressing, my hands faltering at the buttons halfway down my shirt as I looked towards the doorway. And at whom was there.

"No, no, no, no, no, why am I still sleeping? I thought I woke up," I muttered. I wouldn't be caught _dead_ taking my clothes off in front of _him_, even if I didn't realise he was there.

"I said, 'Hey, Leafy'." Was this his new thing? How else would it have managed to work itself into my dreams? I was still frozen. He was still leaning against the doorframe, familiar smirk and all. "And aren't you taking our relationship too quickly?"

It was time to accept reality. I calmly buttoned up my nightshirt and strode over to him. And slapped him right across the face. Actions speak louder than words, or so they say.

He got over the shock fairly quickly and grabbed hold of my wrists before I could get another shot at him. Smartening up, was he? His cheek was a marvelous bright red now.

"Settle down, Leafy," he clucked. "You wouldn't want to mess up this gorgeous visage for our date this Saturday, would you?"

"Me? Date? You? Ha! Don't make me laugh." His suddenly confused expression meant either I was missing something or another Rocky sequel had just been announced. Quickly enough, this was replaced by his signature smirk.

"Oh, but I just did. And I will continue to. Mark my words, I will. For now, we're one step closer to that date you seem to have forgotten." Oh, that would make sense. Everything from the day before came rushing back to me. The stupid mistake. The stupid bet. The stupid jerkwad. He let go of my wrists and sauntered out of the room, probably to go brag to Red and bruise my pride further.

"Oh, and by the way, Mrs. Green." I could barely hear his voice down the stairs. "Thanks for helping me out." Yeah, _thanks_ Mom, for selling me out to that dipstick. She was one of the select few who had known how forgetful I always seemed to be right after waking up. It's not a walk in the park when it comes to tests and events, let me tell you. She'd feel my wrath sooner or later. And with proper execution, hopefully sooner.

I spent the rest of the day in an incorrigibly grouchy mood, much to a couple of waste bins' and several Weedles' misfortune. How was _I_ supposed to know that that bush was their home? The garden hose didn't escape my wrath, either.

He'd already made good on his promise of getting me to laugh for a second day. Who knew what he'd come up with for the rest of the week?

Nothing of importance happened. Oh, crud! If I don't start doing something interesting, the god-author will decided to end the ch

* * *

><p><strong>Yes, yes I did. Meh, lazy ending. To be frank, I just plumb ran out of ideas.<strong>


	4. A Pie For You

"I made you a pie, Leafy."

"_We_ made a pie, Dipwad."

Once again, he'd enlisted the help of my mother in order to enter the house and spend what she called "quality time with his best friend". Said best friend was not happy about the arrangement, especially once the cookbooks came out. Who knew what kind of menace the moron was in the kitchen? After two hours of long, difficult work, my precious masterpiece was now in the hands of my worst enemy.

He'd come at around ten in the morning, the perfect time for me to be doing nothing and my mother to call me out on it. If only I hadn't been too lazy to get off my bed from reading and had answered the door. I would have opened it, slammed it, and spent the rest of my day in peace. But _no_, Mom just _had_ to let him in.

"Oh, I'm sure she'd be so happy to be having fun with her best friend! Especially since she isn't doing any much right now." Definitely higher on my list than Red now. "Did you have anything planned?"

"Yeah, actually. Do you have any cookbooks?"

"Certainly! Come in, come in! I'll show you!" Their footsteps echoed down the hall. "Actually, Leaf can do that. _Right_, dear?" I answered with a groan. "She's probably in her bedroom over there."

I didn't hear any footsteps on the carpeted floor of the corridor.

"Boo!" I looked up, with as bored an expression as I only I could, to see Dunce standing in the doorway. It wasn't long before I turned my attention back to Volume 6 of the Bulbapedia Encyclopedia. Diglett.

"What? I didn't scare you?"

Diglett is a tiny, brown Pokémon that seems to be perpetually buried within the earth, leaving only its head visible.

"Not even a little?"

It has beady black eyes and a large, round, pink nose.

"Let's do something fun."

It spends much of its time underground, and has very thin skin.

"Come on," he whined, grabbing my elbow. The glare I gave him wasn't enough to deter him, and I figured he wouldn't quit bothering me until I complied or he was six feet under. Begrudgingly, I followed him to the kitchen, where on the table, several cookbooks had already had the pleasure of being rifled through.

"I wanted to try a meringue pie."

If Diglett is exposed to sunlight, its blood will heat up and cause it to grow weak.

"-good. Leafy, were you listening to me?"

Diglett digs regularly through the earth at a- "Huh? Oh, you were talking. What are we doing?" Blockhead looked at me pityingly, chuckling and shaking his head.

"Just do what I tell you to do."

"I'm tired," I whined after five straight minutes of whipping the topping into shape. I was getting bored of the scenery and the kitchen island top. Hey, I don't whine too often - I'm entitled to do it every once in a while. I unfortunately did not choose the right time to do so, however.

"Let me help you then." Before I could unceremoniously shove the whisk in Dolt's hand, he'd already gotten right behind me, holding me by the waist and keeping my hand firmly against the whisk with his. He proceeded to do my job and make me look like a weakling at the same time. "It's much easier like this, hmm?"

"It's much easier when I just sock y-" My retort was quickly interrupted by the click of a shutter.

"Oh, you two are just so adorable! This is definitely going in my scrapbook!"

"Mom!"

"What?" she pouted, waving the polaroid around in the air. "I can't take a picture of my own child?"

"Not like this, you can't!" Not with _him_, I wanted to add.

"I think this makes for a great photo opportunity," Dipstick chimed in, flashing a winning smile at my mother, who was only too excited to snap another picture.

"You stay out of this," I hissed at him, but he only held me tighter. This candid "photo opportunity" was not on the schedule.

"You're making a scrapbook?" he asked. "So you can show our kids?" He didn't seem to notice the swift stomp I delivered to his foot.

"Oh, that's so cute~!" my mother gushed. Wow. Didn't think I'd need to use a tilde in this story. "See, even Red thinks so!"

"Wait, what?" She reached an arm into the hallway and pulled out aforementioned friend. Ex-friend, who was now silently nodding with approval. Was I the only one in this town not on board the shipping train? "When did Red get here?"

"Oh, just now. He told me he couldn't find Gary and figured that he'd be here with you." Maybe Super Red came in to save the day? My hopes were raised. "He just said that he wanted to watch." And then promptly smashed.

And so the watcher, the pseudo-future husband, and the poor girl subjected to ensuing torture spent the next hour or so creating the masterpiece that now lay in the hands of the enemy. I'm pretty sure I could hear the occasional click of a camera shutter, but every time I looked over at Red, he seemed preoccupied with not looking guilty.

"Give it back! Give it back right now!"

He was so immature. He held the pie as high as he could, tantalisingly out of reach.

"Come on, Leafy! You gotta jump for it!"

"I'm not jumping for anything! Give it!"

"You're like five-year olds," Red muttered, plucking the pie out of Blockhead's grasp and handing it over to me. My thanks were promptly interrupted by Dolt grabbing it back and turning to face away from me, shielding the pie with his arms.

"Try and get it, Leafy!" he called over his shoulder. No. I wasn't falling for his stupid game. I huffed impatiently, crossing my arms. He twirled around with a devious grin and stuck the pie just under my chin teasingly. "Doesn't it smell _so_ good? It's right here. All you gotta do is-" His taunts were suddenly cut short by my masterpiece being smashed right on his sneaky smile. I looked over at Red incredulously, his hand on the bottom of the pie pan in a very conspicuous way. He shrugged. Officially ex-ex-friend.

It wasn't long before I glanced back at Dolt's meringue-smeared face (he had removed the offending object) and snorted.

"Want some?"

"You wish, Dipstick."

"Suit yourself. it's delicious." He licked around his mouth, clearing a spot of the whipped topping. He still had a lot more to go. "And you were laughing," he added.

"Was not!"

"You were."

"Well, not because of you! It was all Red!"

"But it was _my_ pie."

"_Our_ pie!" I screeched. I paused for a moment, and it all sank in. "Our _pie_! What did you do to our pie?"

"Don't look at me! It was Red's fault." I surveyed the whole kitchen and found that the catalyst had managed to silently sneak away. Ex-ex-ex-friend. He was almost rivaling Dipwad now in terms of Urge-to-Punch-Face.

* * *

><p><strong>I have to admit, this was one of my favourite chapters to write. I've always wanted to put a pie in someone's pie hole (ha, ha, get it? I have a really lame sense of humour, yeah), but I know I'll never get the opportunity. So I had to have Red do it for me.<strong>


	5. Mankeywatching

"Who in their right mind provokes a bunch of angry Mankeys?"

"Well, you seemed pretty caring when you sent in your team to fend off their attacks."

I had to admit to that.

"Please. What makes you think that I would want your lifeless, mangled body on my hands when I could just do it quietly at home and swiftly discard your remains?" He shut up, and I enjoyed a heavenly moment of pretending I was alone. But, of course, Dimwit had to make my illusion come crashing down in my face like a waterfall on steroids.

He wrapped one of his arms around me, letting his chin rest on my shoulder. I could feel every breath on my neck. Not necessarily a pleasant sensation.

"You laughed, didn't you?" he whispered accusingly into my ear. Of course I had. What's not funny about a guy getting pelted with berries by a horde of royally pissed off Pokémon? Oh, that's right. Nothing.

The day had started like any other, with Halfwit disturbing the peace of my morning in order to drag me outside on some "adventure" or garbage of similar nature. Like any other day, I wanted to shoot myself.

"Pokémon watching!" he yelled to no one in particular as he quite literally dragged me through the grass of Route 3. Mount Moon loomed overhead, but that didn't seem to be his objective as he kept heading toward the clumps of trees away from the base of the mountain. After sitting under the branches for several minutes, there continued to be an abundance of nothing. Despite Dolt's assertions that it would "only be another minute or so", I found myself rapidly losing hope of doing anything productive today. It was past noon when he finally gave up.

"I guess it just wasn't our day, eh, Leafy?" He began trudging back down the way to Pewter City. I couldn't help but heave a sigh of relief, content with staring up at the clouds aimlessly meandering across the wide blue sky. Consequently, I didn't stop before bumping into a frozen Moron with an "oomph!" and almost toppling over. He hastily shushed me and put a hand over my mouth to stop any retorts, much to my indignation. I had half a mind to bite him until he finally spoke up, after leading me a bit into the forest.

"I feel something."

Now normally, this is the point where the psychic in the movie says that, and then a bajillion ghosts come swooping out of nowhere and the poor people are stuck in the haunted house with no way to escape. But this wasn't a movie, we were out in the open except for a few shadowed trees, and as far as I was concerned, there were no ghosts in the vicinity. Shoot. I guess I'd have to wait on that.

"Look up slowly. No sudden movements." I did as told, to be met with a rustling in the branches above. Followed by the appearance of not one, not two, but what had to be dozens of Mankeys in what I could only guess to be some sort of tribe, or maybe cult. Who knew these days? Between people who, like popular children's toys, were practically made of plastic and the disturbing number of dress-up shows that had spawned on television lately, humanity was going down, and unfortunately not in an anticipated blaze of glory. But I digress.

Clearly yesterday's pie had done nothing to alter his mental capacities in a positive way, and Dolt decided to be a hypocrite. A dangerous hypocrite.

"Hey! Hey, uglies!" he shouted upwards. "Why don't you take a shower?" He had one foot in the grave already.

"And who came up with that dumb name, anyway? I mean, _Mankey_? Really? When did Arceus pull that out of his butt?" I don't know, do Mankeys have something against the word "butt"? Because right about then, the entire colony went bananas and decided that it's be a good time to rip at least one of the two of us limb from limb. I bolted, probably tailgated by Moron, but I refused to slow down for him. Survival of the fittest, you know? Unfortunately, those primates can be pretty damn fast, and it wasn't long before they'd managed to somehow circle us.

If I didn't act soon, my opportunity of bringing Blockhead to a not so swift or painless end would be utterly extinguished, and by a bunch of inferior organisms, no less. I hoped they would allow me the honour of dealing the final blow, when I realised the idiotically simple solution right in front of my face. Or in my bag, to be more precise.

"Go ahead," I said snidely to one of the pokemon who decided to get a bit too close for comfort. "Make my day."

Within seconds, I'd released all of my team to wreak havoc on the population. I guess all of that traveling and training was worth something besides getting any revenge on Blockhead after all.

Unfortunately for my sadistic streak, he escaped rather unscathed, except for the minor bruising from the berries which the Mankeys had decided were punishment enough for the insults, and the usual scrapes and scratches accompanying an unanticipated run through underbrush.

"You laughed, didn't you?"

When I saw our sad state? Yes, yes I did.

* * *

><p><strong>Pun intended. If you can find it. When writing this, I did not go in order (this was the last one left). Surprisingly, I think my super loose organisation here actually helped me pull through with this.<strong>


	6. Low Defences

"So, two Magikarp are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks, 'How do you drive this thing?'" I just grimaced.

"These are really lame jokes," I criticized. "Are you done yet?" I had already wasted an hour of my precious time being forced to listen to pun after joke after quip, and it was really starting to get on my nerves. Dipstick and I were sitting on the riverbank (well, we were at one point; now we were just kind of sprawled out on the ground). He hadn't gotten anywhere today with trying to get me to crack up, and as it was nearing evening, his chance seemed to be getting slimmer and slimmer while my mood continued to improve. Or not.

"What do you call-"

"No!" I cried. "That's it! I'm not going to put up with this anymore. You couldn't get me to laugh, so just give it up already." I stood up quickly and started to leave for home. Where he couldn't bother me. And where there was television. I was halfway there when he finally spoke up.

"Don't worry, Leafy. I've got a plan, I swear," he called. Those words never meant anything good. I only prayed Dolt wouldn't try anything that he'd regret. I didn't want to get in the slammer before twenty.

Fast-forward an hour later, and I'm lounging on sofa watching the news, Dunce and his promise all but forgotten. Then the doorbell rings. The ringer figures that they don't have any patience, and barges in anyway. That would be classic Mom. Or-

"Honey, I'm home!" A falsetto rang out. I was going to kill him. "What, no dinner?" Blockhead made his appearance, rounding the corner into the living room, grinning like the idiot he was. My usual glare wasn't enough to get the smile off his face, and he continued walking towards me. He reached down for the remote, clicking the television off.

"Hey, that was my programme."

"Yeah, _alright_," he snorted. "Come on, I've got a great idea." He grabbed me by the arm and pulled me off the couch. When I didn't budge from where I stood after a moment, he looked at me pleadingly. "It'll be so much fun, though..."

I could skip fun, especially with Moron. "I'm not leaving this house," I huffed, my arms crossed over my chest. I wasn't going to be tricked into some kind of outing again. Yesterday had been bad enough.

"Then I could..." His face seemed to light up like a kid's on Christmas, then he pounced, knocking me onto the couch. It was one of those rare moments where I had no words.

"Hey! St-stop it! I c-can't breathe!" I sputtered. Except for those. This kid had no qualms when it came to tickling. "Quit it!"

"Not until you laugh!"

"I-in your dr-dreams!" I wasn't about to give up. No, I had to stay strong. Well, for five more seconds, anyway, until I completely broke down in a hysterical fit of giggles. Curse him.

As he had promised, his assault had ceased, but he still lay halfway on me on the sofa, smiling that stupid smirk. I was about to tell him to kindly get off and stop crushing me, but naturally, someone had to walk in.

"..." Red just stared at us for a moment and backed out of the room. His expression, as usual, was unreadable. Can you feel your ego shrink? Because I think I did. About three sizes.

"I'll be out in a minute, Red," Half-wit called over his shoulder. "We were just having a moment here." He looked back at me with a suggestive wiggle of his eyebrows. That was when the fit hit the shan and the boy hit the floor. I didn't even give him a chance to get up before I stood and began to stalk off, but not before expressing my feelings by stepping on his exposed abdomen. A parting gift.

"T-two more days!" he gasped before I could slam the front door. Two more days, yeah. He wouldn't get me anymore. Today was practically a cheat, so you can't blame me, but he definitely wouldn't get me anymore.

And how did Red get in, anyway?

* * *

><p><strong>I have no idea, Leaf. No idea. Let's hope the camera from Chapter 4 didn't make a reappearance.<strong>


	7. Desperation

"Oh, _please_. And how would some jam, two fans, and a Graveler help with that?"

"I could always try something while he's sleeping." My telephone conversation was brought to an unceremonious end when my mother decided that she needed me at just that moment.

"Honey! Gary's here! he says he wants to talk to you!" she called from the foyer.

"Tell him I'm not home!"

"I know you're there, Leafy."

"Tell him I'm sick!"

"I can _see_ you're not." The dolt had managed to get in anyway, and was now standing over me, his face inches away as he rested his elbows on the arm rests of the couch. "You've really got to start working on your alibis."

"I'll talk to you later," I muttered into the receiver, hanging up without so much as waiting for a goodbye in return. She'd understand. I glared at the bane of my existence, waiting for his rotten excuse this time.

"I was thinking we could spend the day together. You know, doing friend stuff, or whatever."

"And I was thinking of kicking you out."

"Oh, Leafy, that's no way to talk to your best friend," Blockhead pouted.

"I don't recall ever agreeing on that terminology." Unfortunately, since Red had risen so high on my totem pole of animosity, it left few spots between Dolt and the coveted position. In other words, he was pretty dang close. By this point, he was probably about to pass my own mother.

Three comedies, countless ridiculously terrible jokes, and several long hours with this self-proclaimed best friend later, I was ready to shoot myself. I'd begged my mother to hold off on going out to buy groceries until tomorrow; who knew what would happen if I were left alone with that thing for however long. Thankfully, dinner, full of absurd anecdotes, was soon over and Dolt had to go back to his own home. It was times like these when I really felt bad for his family.

"It's getting so late, though, and they predicted a rainstorm for the night. I think I can hear it now. Wouldn't it be better if I stayed over here tonight? It'd be just like old times, wouldn't it, Leafy?" He wrapped an arm around me cajolingly. The desperation was starting to show through, and he was running out of excuses. I didn't hesitate to shoot him down.

"You'd better get home before that rain starts then, eh?"

"Well, Gary, I'd love to let you stay, but, you know… you practically being adults and all…" my mother trailed off. For once she was on my side. I'd have to remind myself to thank her later.

"Oh, I see," Blockhead said dejectedly. "Well, before I leave, I just need to make a phone call. Is that all right?" My mother nodded and he walked a bit down the hall to make his call in privacy.

"Honestly, Mom, I just wanted to say th-"

My thank you was cut short by the ring of the doorbell. Upon opening the door, I was greeted by none other than my ex-ex-ex-friend, donning his pyjamas and holding a bundle of what appeared to be a couple of pillows and another set of sleepwear. I had to resist strangling the nearest living thing, especially when Dolt strode out from the hall to greet his friend.

"Oh, Red, funny meeting you here!" He turned to my mother. "He just loves sleepovers, you know. Just like old times!"

"Really, I mean, I wasn't planning on this, but I suppose if Red is here, it'll be fine. It'll be like when you were kids! How cute!" She could forget all about that thank you now. It was more like a "go to hell" now, anyway.

The two not-so-welcome guests set up base in the living room, spreading out blankets for makeshift beds on the floor. I couldn't help but view the clashing colours and patterns critically. The green paisley and royal purple checks made my stomach turn, but I could survive for one night.

"I made a bed for you too, Leafy." Doofus pointed at the jumble of cloth I'd been eyeing warily before. "It's right next to mine, just like when we were kids, right?" Right. When I already wanted to kill you while you slept nearby.

The night passed in nearly the same way as the day, only with the addition of Red. Blockhead's suggestion of Spin the Bottle was quickly shot down by both Red and me, unsurprisingly. By the time the clock struck nine, I was getting tired of all of the board games. There's a reason why they're called "bored" games, and I found out the hard way.

9:15. Red fell asleep.

9:40. I tried, unsuccessfully, to fall asleep.

10:00. More puns.

10:30. If I hear one more joke, I'll shoot myself.

11:15. How does he have this unending barrage of wisecracks?

11:50. This is what death feels like.

We were both lying in our respective nests, eyes shut and as close to sleep without actually being asleep as possible. I couldn't move, even if I tried. I'd never stayed up this late in my entire life. A life of religiously consistent bedtimes and early nights certainly added up. Ga-Dolt's exhaustion seemed to say the same.

"What…what did…" he said weakly. "What did the Magikarp…karp…say when it r-ran into…into a dam?"

"Wh-what?"

"Oh, fudge."

"Wh-what?"

"I…I said it all wrong."

A chuckle escaped. Then it wasn't long before I was in hysterics.

"Wha?" was Dolt's eloquent response.

"I'm waaaay too tired," I muttered into my pillow once my bout of laughter was over. The last thing I heard before blacking out was a snore from next to me.

"Honey, wake up. Wake up, dear."

"Five more minutes, Mom."

"No, you've got to get up now. It's already half past ten."

That sobered me up. I opened my eyes in unfamiliar surroundings, confused a bit until I remembered the events of last night. Great. He got me to laugh again. But how could he prove that I laughed before midnight? Unless he could, I might get away without his date.

"Oh, Leafy, you're up." I couldn't catch a break, could I? " And before you say I can't prove that you laughed sometime yesterday, I'll show you that I can." This didn't sound good. A point-and-shoot camera made its appearance in front of my face and I fought to keep it in focus. There it was. The photograph, taken from somewhere behind Dolt's shoulder, showed me unflatteringly mid-laugh while the timestamp read 23:57.

"Red was awake the whole time?"

"Yep. Just in case something like this happened." I had to admit, he'd planned the whole thing pretty cleverly. "Come on, Leafy, get up." He extended a hand to me and I grabbed it, still in a daze from my late night. I'm pretty sure I was dead to the world until my mother thrust me under a cold shower to freeze my face off, something unusual. Normally I'd be doing that to myself in the mornings.

You can imagine my reaction when I heard afterwards that Blockhead had offered to take my mother's place. I don't think he'll be doing that for a long time.

* * *

><p><strong>I've stayed up much later than this, as I'm sure many of you have. I'm only glad I caught myself, because originally I'd been going into the morning hours. That would not work. At all. So, I had to tire them out quickly with some hand waving and author powers.<strong>


	8. Theatregoers

I was nervous. I had to admit it. Today was the last day before the accursed "date" upon which Pretty Boy insisted. I couldn't ruin my reputation by continuing his winning streak. I had to be vigilant.

Except for when I stubbed my toe on the kerb and let loose a string of vile insults so loud my mother two houses over probably started crying. That was the only exception. Besides the incident with the snow blower and the neighbour's Pidgey. But that's beside the point.

I needed to take extra precautions. I taped my mouth closed, despite knowing I'd later be experiencing the beautiful feeling of having half of my face ripped off. Adhesive bandages were child's play.

It was already dusk, but I couldn't risk letting something slip. Dolt had been strangely nonexistent for the entire day.

"Hey, Leafy!"

_Arceus._ An overwhelming sense of impending doom pushed out any thoughts of irritation. Was he already after me? Never mind. I tried to clear my mind. Soon, PB had caught up and was walking beside me. His gaze became unbearable after a few minutes of silence (blessed silence).

"What do you want?" I snarled, which came out more like "Hm mmm mm hm?". He burst out laughing, pointing at my mouth.

"Y-you _taped_ your mouth shut so you couldn't laugh?" I didn't bother answering him. He was wiping tears from his eyes now. "That's a bit desperate, dontcha think?" Yes, yes I did think that. And it was completely necessary. But he wouldn't understand that even if I told him, and not only because of my "speech impediment".

"Anyway," he began again, "Let's go somewhere today. Together." It was just what I had dreaded. "There's that new cinema in town, and they've got some cool movies showing. Come on." He grabbed my hand and began walking backwards in the direction of Pallet Town, pulling me along with him. Despite my best efforts to remain rooted to my spot in the dusty road, I couldn't help but get dragged toward my fate.

"How about this one?"

I looked up to see Dolt pointing at a poster for something that looked suspiciously along the lines of a slapstick comedy. I shook my head fervently and gestured to a nearby sign for what could only be a slasher. He gave me look that screamed "Really?" and started walking towards the ticket booth with a sigh. He came back within a minute and took my hand again to tug me toward the theatres in the back of the building. Once we reached the split for the two rooms, I started going left. But Dingus didn't.

"Where ya going, Leafy? They're playing your movie here." He pointed to the entryway on the right. "Unless, you know, you want to watch _mine_," he added after a moment. "C'mon." I decided to trust him, just this once. I mean, how bad could it be to do that?

Very bad. My question was answered five minutes into the film. What should have been a bloodbath was series of one-upmanship and witty remarks. And a plot? What kind of horror movie was this? Oh, that's right. A _not_ horror movie horror movie. While comedy was on the screen, I was living my own kind of horror film experience. The torturous laughs and giggles of others around me, PB being no exception, made me seriously reconsider ever trusting that boy again. I'd have to say it was about halfway through when I hit the ceiling. I was shaking in my seat just from trying to hold it in. By this time, Dingus had noticed my struggle, and I could see his smug smile in the dim light of the theatre.

"Just admit you're laughing," he whispered. "Then I might help you with that tape problem of yours." I didn't want to. I really didn't want to. I was choking up, with laughter or with the tears that threatened to spill out, I didn't know. I must have looked extremely desperate. "Here," he said, reaching over to peel the tape off. I winced with the first tug, but I could tell he was trying to be gentle. So much for that. "Just try to ignore it. Watch the movie." I looked out of the corner of my eye at the screen as best as I could, and quickly got absorbed in the film. By the time I looked back, Dolt had already eased half of the parcel tape off. I tried to ignore the stinging sensation in my lips. I needed to remind myself that it had been my stupid idea in the first place.

"So _that's_ what the custard was for!"

The entire audience burst out in mirthless laughter and in the second I faced the screen, the rest of the tape tore off. I would have cursed so violently if I hadn't been cackling instead. The tears came finally, whether from the pain or the catharsis. Once it died down, I looked over at PB with the tape dangling from his hand. His face was unreadable, an unusual occurrence. After a second, it broke out into a huge grin, a very usual occurrence. I snatched the tape from him and slapped it on his face, but too carelessly. He ripped it off easily and rolled it up, stuffing it in his trouser pocket. With a huff, I turned back to continue watching the film.

"You know, we pretty much indirectly kissed right there," came his whisper from next to my ear. He was going to have to stop doing that. "And it was _your_ doing," he added. I blanched at his words. He was telling the truth, for once. "I hope you're ready for our date tomorrow." I felt myself go even paler than before, if that were possible. I'd almost forgotten.

"You forgot again, didn't you?" Half-wit accused.

"I tried."

The movie ended shortly and we began the quick walk over to our houses. It was already quarter past ten, and I was exhausted from all of my pointless running around today. There hadn't been any Dolt to run from until much later, unfortunately.

"So, you had fun?"

I nodded, but then realised I had been granted the power of speech again. "I _guess_... But still, _you_ technically didn't make me laugh. The movie did."

"I beg to differ, Leafy," Dingus asserted. "_I_ was the one who brought you to the movie, so if it weren't for me, you wouldn't have been howling like that." My fists clenched at my sides.

"Who said anything about howling?" I grumbled. "I have a nice laugh, Doofus."

"I know. You've got a beautiful laugh." With an eyebrow raised, I glanced over at him to see him grinning like an idiot. He was joking, of course. I'd get him back. Soon enough.

"Here we are." I walked up to my front door, PB following close behind. I reached for the handle, only stopping to look at him, perplexed. "Don't you have somewhere you need to go, Mr. Oak? Like back to the Buneary hole you came from?" I quipped.

"Mr. Oak, that's a new one," he mused. "I kind of miss Dipwad now..." He stood there with his hands in his pockets, deep in thought. Or pretending, at least. He snapped out of it after a few seconds. "Oh, well, I was going to do something, but I guess it can wait until tomorrow." Fantastic. He was already planning. "Uh, smell ya later, Leaf!" He took off, waving goodbye as he ran to his own home. I stifled a snort as he tripped on the sidewalk but unfortunately regained his balance before face planting. I turned back to the door, opening it and stepping inside as quietly as I could. I'd forgotten to tell the traitor I'd been out. She was probably worried sick. _Yeah_, I thought as I passed the living room. _Worried sick enough that she felt asleep on the couch while watching television._ Real _worried._ I got a glass of water and the cup had barely touched my mouth when the realisation struck.

Wait. Did he call me _Leaf_?

I kind of miss Leafy now...

* * *

><p><strong>Gah, I couldn't think of any funny line to put there. Bleh. Bite me. But in my defence, custard can be pretty hilarious when used properly.<strong>

**Yeah, this story really has written itself.**


	9. The Date, For Lack of A Wittier Title

I tripped on another rock.

"Hurry up, Leafy! We don't have all _day_, you know." Doofus was several feet in front of me by now on the trail up to the summit of Mt. Silver. "Oh, wait. We _do_!"

If I hadn't wanted to punch him before, I wanted to now. He graciously slowed down to walk beside me, which probably wasn't the best idea. I looked over at him with a frown, but he wasted no time in giving me a sunny smile in return. It didn't feel quite the same as the other ones, but I still turned away with a huff. He took the opportunity to grab my hand, the one unoccupied with holding one of my backpack straps. I started to pull it away, but he tightened his grip.

"Oh, no, no, _no_, Leafy," he chided. "You're not getting away this time. We're on a date, remember?" I cast him a look dripping with murderous intent, but he laughed it off. Talk about adding insult to injury. Not only would I be stuck looking like I was in a relationship with Doofus, but he laughed at me. I would definitely be getting my revenge soon.

He'd woken me up at some ungodly hour so we could start the trip to the mountain at the crack of dawn. There's a reason why the sun doesn't come up until later, and I agree wholeheartedly. Even now it was only a bit past the horizon line, and it was still crawling at a lazy Munchlax's pace. Those things are seriously slow. I'd thrown on a parka to combat the chilly winds at the summit, adding a scarf for good measure, and now I couldn't stop thanking myself as we neared the top, especially for the gloves someone had so kindly stowed in the jacket's pockets. With a quick breakfast and packing some granola bars and other hiking food paraphernalia, we were off to foot purgatory.

Despite my current predicament, and I hate to say it, but for once, his hand around mine just felt...comfortable. Or maybe I hadn't noticed it before. I would've called it bizarre, but there was just something so natural about it. I glanced down inconspicuously at my hand held captive. What was I thinking? Maybe we were friends, though that was a bit of a stretch, but why would I say something like that?

"Leafy, are you...blushing?" Apparently I hadn't been as inconspicuous as I'd thought. "I mean, it's a bit windy up here, but if my presence is too much for you to handle..." he trailed off with a smirk, earning himself a punch in the arm. I occupied myself with appreciating the scenery around us.

It was breathtaking. While the craggy rock of the mountains was under our feet, the view outwards toward Johto was fantastic. Plains and rolling hills stretched out below for miles. I could make out some winding rivers and streams, and heavy woods fringed the jagged peaks nearby. Looking up, I realised that I had never been so close to the clouds, not even while taking a flight on any Pokemon. This was my first time hiking on these trails, and I was not disappointed. Well, a little bit by my company, but that might be overlooked. When the scenery had been exhausted of its novelty and I realised how windy it was getting, I settled for staring at the ground beneath my feet. I was determined not to trip. Again.

"Leafy, we're here."

Ga-Dingus's voice snapped me awake. I'd been concentrating so hard I hadn't known that the climb was over. I surveyed the outcropping we stood on now, peering at what might have been a mountain even taller than the one we stood on now. My gaze fell on Dingus, but he didn't make any sort of move to show he'd noticed. His hair glinted in the sunlight that occasionally broke through the clouds, and it was now tousled from the winds. I guess he didn't use as much hair gel as I'd thought.

I caught myself again. No, I would not be thinking about that. He was just as annoying as ever. I looked away before he could notice my staring.

It wasn't long before I feel his eyes boring holes in the side of my head.

"Take a picture; it'll last longer," I quipped. He still leaned in closer, chuckling, and moved to wrap his arms around my waist from behind, resting his chin on my shoulder. I couldn't intimidate him anymore. The thought actually made me want to cry a bit. Just a little. But not in front of him.

"We'll have plenty of time for pictures later. Now I'm content with enjoying my time with you." The kiss-up. What was he trying to get out of this?

"Leafy," he started softly. I didn't turn to look at him, but he continued anyway. "Let's try something." He lifted his chin and turned me around until we were vis-à-vis, still keeping me stuck within his arms. "Something people do on dates," he whispered; I could barely hear him over the wind. I didn't even have time to utter a witty comeback before he pushed down my scarf and was pressing his lips against mine, cupping my cheek with one of his hands while the other was still occupied with my waist.

Damn. Those lips were soft.

He pulled away after a moment, looking at least half as red as I was feeling. My eyes were still wide open, and I was still reeling a bit from the shock. I'm pretty sure I said something intelligent after that, like "Wha...err...um...uh...". He just kind of looked at me with this sheepish half-smile.

"I had to do that. At least once."

"Well?" I huffed, now recovered. "You did. Now what?"

"Now I kind of want to do it again."

"Don't push your luck, Dingus. Be glad I haven't punched your pretty little face yet." I took one last look at the scenery below and started heading for the trail. "Come on." Doofus wasted no time catching up and grabbing my hand. He was grinning now. Never a good sign.

"You didn't hit me, huh? So you like me now?"

"I wouldn't say that."

"But you didn't hit me."

"I almost did."

"No, you didn't. But we're friends now, right?"

"It's not exactly a friendship when it starts with a kiss."

"So you want it to be more?"

"I never said that."

"Ah, but you didn't _not_ say that." I was going to kill him.

We got to the base of the mountain, but even five seconds couldn't have felt soon enough. It was all "You're blushing, Leafy!" and "When are we getting married?" "When's our next date?" was bad enough. Now that the car was in sight, I figured I was in the clear. But then again, you can't expect anything.

"I know you're just dying for me to kiss you again."

"No, I'm just _dying_ to roundhouse kick your face."

"With your mouth."

"That doesn't even make sense!" I cried, grabbing the passenger door handle and wrenching the door open.

The drive was spent in a silence that grew increasingly uncomfortable. My arms remained crossed over my chest the entire ride and my face in a pout. On the rare occasions when I snuck a glance over at Doofus, his smile seemed to morph into something like deep concentration. I could tell he wasn't just thinking about our route. Once we reached the familiar surroundings of Pallet Town, I inwardly sighed in relief. Freedom.

He drove up in front of a very familiar house and parked, turning the car off. Neither of us made any move to get out. The silence was heavy, and after a few minutes, I couldn't take it anymore.

"Why are we here?"

"What did I do wrong?" He hit the top of the steering wheel with a fist, and his jaw was clenched. He hadn't been this angry in... No, he'd never been this angry.

"You took me to the wrong house, for one th-"

"That's not what I meant! Why is it so hard for you to like me? Even as a friend. I got you to laugh all week, we went on a date, I even _kissed_ you for Arceus' sake..." He ran a hand impatiently through his hair, further mussing it up. "What did I do that was so terrible you can't even find the goodness in your heart to forgive me? Or did your ego blow up so big it pushed that out?"

For the second time that day, Gary Oak had left me speechless.

"You don't think I try?" he continued, angrily brushing at his eyes. "That I try to get you to like me? To be my friend, at least? Because I _do_. And, I don't know if you can tell, but I really want that. To make you smile, every day." He let a few tears roll down his cheeks, and it was all I could do not to reach over and brush them away. I'd never been in the presence of a nearly grown man crying. It's depressing, to say the least. "And I wanted something more. I didn't think much of it at first, but I always wanted you close by. I always wanted to h-hold you," he hiccupped. We sat in silence once again except for his occasional sniffles.

"And what do you suppose I do now?" I didn't answer. No matter what I said, it would be wrong. "I could nurse my broken heart. I could try again, try something different." He suddenly tensed up. "Or I could pretend this never happened. Find a girl who actually gives a damn about my feelings."

"No," I said, softly at first. "No." He looked over at me, his tear-stained face unbelieving.

"What did you say?"

"No." I was firmer this time. "Don't do that. I-I don't want you to do that. I don't want you to forget. I don't want you to find some other girl."

He wiped at his eyes once more. "So you're saying you'll give this a shot?"

"I guess I am."

Without any sort of warning, I was consumed by another one of Dingus's hugs. Unlike any before it, though, this one seemed relieved, happy. I wasn't especially familiar with this kind of contact from him, so I settled for awkwardly patting him on the back. What was he, five years old again? After a moment, his whisper tickled my ear like so many times before.

"I got you so good."

* * *

><p><strong>I leave Leaf's reaction to the reader's imagination.<strong>


	10. Epilogue, Because 2 Out of 705 Said So

"-and then one thing led to another, you know, and next thing I know, I wake up the next morning in nothing but a pair of socks."

"Wouldn't you take the socks off first, and then move on to other stuff?"

"Yeah, I guess. I mean, I don't really know how it happened."

Cue accidental overhearing of phone conversation.

"Honey!" my mother called in that terribly sweet voice that either means your Pokémon just ran off to the Butterfree farm, or you're in deep shit. Or both. "Can you come here for a second?" I groaned and apologised to my fellow interlocutor, resignedly hanging up the phone.

The sight I saw would make any child quake in their boots.

But I wasn't a child anymore; my eighteenth birthday had come and gone with as much Dingus in it as every other year, only more. I settled for returning her glare and tapping foot with a look of feigned innocence. What ever she was about to dump on me, I wasn't going down without a fight.

It was a total of about three and a half seconds before her pursed lips stretched into a grin from ear-to-ear and she ran forward to hug me with a crushing grip. Death by constriction, was that her game?

"I'm so happy for you, darling!" she cried from beside my ear. "It must be so wonderful to be young and in love!" She pulled back to hold me by my shoulders, but that didn't stop the ringing in my ears. My earlier look had long since been replaced by one of utmost confusion.

"I get the feeling you're talking about something in particular, Mom."

She waggled her eyebrows and withdrew her arms to nudge me with her elbow. "I think you know what I mean, dear. I remember when your father and I, for the first time-" Fuck.

"No, no, no!" I shook my head hastily and threw a hand out to cover her mouth. "That's not at all what I was talking about on the phone!" I had to dispel whatever disturbing images my mother was probably conjuring up in her head, but her expression told me I wasn't doing jack. "We were talking about how hot it was a couple nights ago and because you can't be bothered to have a fan installed in my room I had to resort to taking all of my clothes off and it had nothing to do with him or anything-" I paused to take a breath "-and now I don't know why you would think I would tell anyone something like that especially over the phone and you're just jumping to conclusions and I don't wanna hear about any of your 'adventures' with Dad 'cause I mean 'Why?!' and-"

"Honey, honey, settle down. I understand." I stopped blabbering and looked at her to see that she was barely repressing a smile. "Go back to your telephone conversation." I squinted at her with a frown on my face. Her actions were too suspicious, but I'd let it slide. Just this once. I started the walk back to my room, glancing back her every once in a while over my shoulder. She still had that innocent look I'd worn earlier. She finally spoke up again after I stepped one foot into my room.

"One last thing, honey. If you _did_, would you tell me?"

A door was slammed shut in our house that day.

Fast-forward about one month.

"Can you put me down now?"

Let's face it: even being carried around can be uncomfortable sometimes. Especially when you're being carried around by your accidental boyfriend in a style reminiscent of weddings. Through town.

"I'll put you down when we get there." My arms were crossed indignantly, as they'd been the entire time, and I glanced up at Doofus's face to see his ridiculous grin. Surprisingly, he hadn't seemed to break a sweat yet, even after what felt like ten minutes.

"Where are we going?" This was the twelfth time I'd asked.

"You'll see." This was the twelfth time he'd said that. The mystique was starting to wear off, though it hadn't started so strongly, anyway.

By now, we were passing under shadows of the trees lining the route outside Pallet Town. _Great, more witnesses_, I groaned inwardly as I spied some kids down the road. Why did this place have to be so popular with newbie trainers? To my misfortune, Dingus didn't seem to be making any effort to avoid their gazes. I'm sure my occasional calls of "We're just friends!" weren't exactly persuasive, thanks to Doofus's chuckles and him holding on even tighter.

"Seriously, where are we going?" Thirteen.

"Seriously, you'll see. Can't you be a little patient, Leafy?"

"No."

At least I was honest.

When we entered the outskirts of Viridian City, I was about to blow. The next thing I needed was more people seeing me looking like a wimp like this. I started kicking my legs impatiently, but Dingus didn't seem to get the message.

"Settle down, Leafy, I know you can walk. But this is symbolic, right?"

Before it clicked and I started really trying (in vain) to wiggle out of his hold, he had begun a mad dash for wherever his destination was. He knew me too well. I barely even realised it when we crossed the threshold of the Viridian City Gym. I was so occupied with my escape attempt. Even when I finally looked up to see the gym guide with a mixture of surprise and barely concealed amusement on his face, I still didn't understand why we'd gone in a Gym of all places. We must have been quite the sight: my disheveled hair, his hold on me, our flushed faces. If I were lucky, the guide would report him as a kidnapper and I could be rid of him finally. But life has this nasty way of slapping you in the face, and then laughing at you as you sit there, dumbfounded.

"Welcome back, Mr. Oak," the guide said with a slight nod of his head. "I see you've brought a...friend," He added, looking pointedly at me and slightly smirking. I wouldn't want to know what he was thinking if someone paid me.

"Hello, Clyde," Doofus responded amicably as ever, as though he hadn't just run several hundred feet holding another person who had come _this_ close to strangling him while doing said running. He took a moment to put me back on the ground (what a gentleman) and brushed a hand over my head to smooth my mussed hair, which I promptly swatted away. He instead wrapped an arm around my shoulder and said to the guide," This is my _girlfriend_, Leaf Green." I'd been resisting my urges to punch him since that fateful day, but I now was seriously starting to question why I did that.

Some kind of man-telepathy seemed to pass between the two and Dingus began to lead me further into the gym. I would take a moment to describe it in great detail, but it's much easier just to say that it was remodeled beyond any recognition. The spinner panels were still in place, but that was where the similarities stopped. As much as I hate to admit it, putting the words "kick" and "ass" together basically sums it up. But I'll digress for a moment here in my shock as the pieces came together.

In the past couple of weeks, he'd managed to convince my mother he was some kind of god, consummate our relationship (don't even ask how _that_ happened) and embarrass me countless times in front of most of the residents of Pallet Town with unbridled PDA. And between all that, he still found time to take up a position as a gym leader? I could feel the world as I knew it crumbling beneath my feet.

"Can't handle being outdone, Leafy?" He smirked at me.

"Actually, I'm not _being_ outdone, Doofus. Who defeated Team Rocket three years ago? Who became the Pokémon League champion soon afterwards?" I didn't add that I'd given up the title because I wanted to keep traveling to other regions instead of battling day in and day out (which, coincidentally, I did anyway while traveling). "I think you've got a lot more to go before outdoing _me_." He shrugged and grinned at me.

'But it's a start, isn't it?"

An hour later found us enjoying tea at some new cafe someone had decided needed to be built in the city. Well, I was enjoying the tea. Doofus seemed to busy staring at me and tracing a finger around the rim of his cup.

"You're tea's going to get cold if you don't drink it."

"I'll just get another cup." I decided against pointing out the waste of money - I'd heard Gym Leaders could make a killing if they were good enough. Once again, silence fell over our table until my Pokégear decide that it would be fantastic time to ring. I couldn't disagree.

"Hold on for a second," I said to Dingus. "And don't freak out if I'm not back in, like, five minutes or something." I stood and started for the door.

"I do not 'freak out', Leafy!" he called. Damn liar.

Ever since that fateful day, as I refer to it, he'd seemed even more clingy and possessive than before. If he didn't know where I was, I didn't have to wait long before getting some kind of message, usually with the subject "URGENT! WHERE ARE YOU?!" from him. I've found that it's kind of fun to make him squirm sometimes, though. Like right now.

After my phone conversation with a friend that lasted all of one minute, I decided to try something. I loitered around town a bit, checking my watch to make sure at least ten minutes had passed, then began to head back to the cafe, messing up my hair with my hands and making wrinkles in my clothes and tilting my hat lopsided for good measure. And of course, the pièce-de-resistance, my Pokégear was shut off for the entire time.

I barely stepped one foot into the cafe when I was consumed by someone's enormous hug. Doofus pulled back, still holding me firmly and with some mixture of relief and frustration on his face. As expected.

"Where were you, Leafy? And why is your hair messed up? And your clothes, too? I was waiting for you! You had your phone turned off, too! Someone could've taken you and I wouldn't have ever known!" The barrage of questions seemed endless. Now to begin Phase 2 of my two phase plan.

"W-well," I sniffed, willing fake tears to come to my eyes, "there was this big man following me, and he tried to take my bag, and I tried to fight him off, but he was too strong, but then Officer Jenny came a-and..." I was blubbering like a baby while Dingus's face became set in a frown with his brow furrowed.

"Don't worry, Leafy!" he cried. "I'll apprehend this fiend myself! No one touches my girl! Or tries to take her bag!" he added as an afterthought. Fantastic. Consider this revenge for _that day_.

Unfortunately, I honestly had no idea what to do here. I hadn't expected to get this far, actually. As all of you lovely smart readers out there could probably figure out, there was no "big man" and Doofus was acting all noble for nothing. He was denser than I thought; I'd assumed he'd realise I was lying. Now I had to come up with something or come out with the truth. The latter option had never appealed to me.

So if you were around and wondering why I chose to throw my arms around him like he was a freaking messiah or something, now you know.

Just like earlier, he swept me up off of my feet and into his arms. I guess holding hands wasn't his thing. Or walking with a good two feet of space between us. Just like earlier, he started running through town, but this time not for his life. However, unlike earlier, he decided that I would be better carried over his shoulder with my face against his back and my feet at the perfect height for dealing some damage. He didn't seem to realise this, and I was feeling especially generous. He should be grateful.

Speaking of my face against his back, my vision was kind of limited at that point. That left me and my thoughts together - never a good combination. The first thing I thought was how funny it would be if Dingus tripped right about then, but I figured my legs (or in the rare occasion, my head) would get pinned under him. Scratch the tripping. Next, I moved onto more philosophical thoughts. If I _did_ kick him...no, then he'd still fall. Plus, I wanted to see where he was headed. I hadn't told him where I'd been "almost mugged". Maybe to the police station…?

What I didn't expect was a long jog to Arceus-knows-where. I also didn't expect the sudden appearance of a carpeted floor beneath me or to be thrown unceremoniously onto a bed. Namely, my own. Doofus busied himself with rifling through my closet, eliciting a few indignant "hey!s" from me, and pulling out an assortment of ill-matching scarves. Before I could ask what he was doing, he had already started wrapping me in a chartreuse one like a straight-jacket. Then blue. Then scarlet. Then grey. Then amber, until I was completely tied up and quite similar in look to a bizarrely coloured Caterpie. This is what I get when I'm caught off guard.

"Now I don't have to worry about any big, bad, old men coming after you, right, Leafy?"

"Screw you, Oak. And anyway, I didn't know you were one for bondage."

"That's no way to talk to your boyfriend," he snapped. "And I almost forgot." He grabbed a sock from nearby and shoved it in my mouth. "Ha, ha," he muttered. "Put a sock in it." I gave him my best "you're dead to me" look, but he just chuckled and kissed me on the cheek.

"I _did_ know you were making it all up, Leafy. You're pretty bad at lying. Just like when you say you hate me."

With a bit of rocking, I managed to roll off the bed and fall onto the floor. Ouch. I'd feel that in the morning. He just looked on, probably amused by my floundering attempt. I made my way like a Weedle over to the door and was about to start down the hallway when Dingus picked me up with his arms wrapped around me in a hug.

"Don't worry, Baby Leafy," he cooed. "You want to see your mommy?" No, I wanted to punch you. I swear, this kid was getter weirder by the second. "Let's go!"

We made it to the living room when I was almost dropped. I can't blame him, though; I would've dropped myself, too, if I'd seen Red standing there with an unreadable expression on his face. I was consumed by an overwhelming feeling of déjà vu, especially as he backed out of the front door.

"Well, that happened."

* * *

><p><strong>I just had to include the beginning after getting the idea, which, incidentally, interrupted my nap. I had to end it, or it would've been <em>way<em> too long. Plus, it started getting a little cracky at the end. That's what happens when I sit down and write a whole fairly long chapter after getting tired out from going to a college open house for the better portion of the day.**

**Well, I'm pretty sure, FIN.**


End file.
